I bet Audrey had bad days too 2

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An ode to my favorite worst date

8:38 PM


My Heavenly Father loves me. I know this because of so many reasons and instances, but I know this especially because of the best-worst date I’ve had in possibly ever this past week. It was just what I needed. (I'm actually not being sarcastic.)

It was like someone trained Date Boy before he met me on what I hate most. Almost like when Jim tells Andy how to ask out Pam.
“Do you know Pig Latin? Perfect.”

If I were to advise someone on how to not hit it off with me on the first date I would tell him:
1.    Go out of your way to demonstrate how smart/ fit/ accomplished you are.
2.    Don’t ask me anything about myself.
3.    Tell me how cultured you are, but show zero interest in what I’ve seen and done.
4.    Bash on America.
5.    Bring up #SochiProblems and think I’m going to laugh along.

I’ll admit this is oddly specific. But this date is so fresh on my mind, and I can’t help it.

I should say right away that this guy is a nice person… I almost feel bad writing this.

We had one mutual friend, which happened to be a boy I dated on and off for a couple of years. I didn’t disclose this information to him, but things got a little weird on my end when he started talking about how judged ex-y was, and how everyone viewed him as a player.

And I’m sitting there like… I’m into double digits with the number of girls I overlapped with… but… Yeah. He really is a nice guy.

That’s when pulled a Kady Heron, and said, “I have to pee.”

But really. That’s when I left to mass text my mom and sisters. Naturally.

Date Boy would have a great date with the girl in your homeroom class in ninth grade that sat in the corner and drew anime figures and only talked to the other kids that took Japanese as their foreign language class. Perhaps because he was the male version of Anime Girl, or even more likely, because Date Boy could talk to a sandbox.

An hour and a half into the date, I knew his hobbies, his dreams, a few of his failures, his hometown, his views on the Idaho education system and all about his man crush on my ex-boyfriend. And he knew I was from Washington.

He did ask what my hobbies were. I started talking, but he cut me off and said, “No, let me guess.” Yes, by all means.

He guessed I ski. Bravo. I do ski. I was impressed. Unfortunately this led to him talking about his experiences skiing black diamonds and how he’d take on moguls, and how easy it is, and I’m like. Slow clap.


I sound like such a brat right now. Don’t even care.

He then looked me up and down and said, “I’m guessing you like to shop.”

Yeah, I actually don’t know how to take this. I sort of hate shopping unless I’m alone or with my mom and/or depressed. It’s normal?

I told him that I actually don’t, and he commended me for not liking to shop because of the “expense of the wallet.” (Seriously, please talk more like a 50-year-old.)

No, it actually has nothing to do with that. It has to do with two things:

1.     I get really tired shopping. I run five miles a day, but really, shopping is 50 times more exhausting.
2.     When I try on pants, and they’re five inches too long and too tight I wonder: a) why I’m not 5’7” and b) why I thought it was necessary to eat anything in the last ten days.
Anyways, I nodded my head. He started talking about Idaho Fall’s job market. Sweet.

An hour and a half in, I think it dawned on him that he didn’t know uh, anything about me. So he asked what I’m studying.  To which I said that I was done, and that I worked for Deseret Digital in Salt Lake.
He then told me about a BBC TV show about an I.T. company.
Not really even kinda close.
But kudos to him for asking me one question about myself. I can’t blame him for not understanding what my job is. In fact, if you were to play this game with my roommates or any family member (with exception to maybe Father Reid and the last boy I dated), the result would be much like in this video. Go to 1:08 for quickest results.


He managed to hit up a lot of my hates. Which I really do commend him for. Like, how do you do that? Maybe he went through training with ex-y. That would be the most logical explanation, besides him being a boggart.

It was definitely an “I hate everything about this so much, that I love it” kind of night. I was smiling the entire date. Probably sent him mixed signals.

I loved listening to him say everyone from Idaho is a redneck when he’s from BLACKFOOT. Of all the places in Idaho to be from where it’s the most “Idaho,” it’s Blackfoot. I will tell you this right now till next Friday.

Later he told me how he didn’t blame the French for hating Americans because when we visit we don’t learn their language.
For those of you that don’t know, I LIVED IN TURKEY FOR TWO YEARS AND DIDN’T LEARN TURKISH. Probably one of the things I most hate about myself, so it kind of stings to have someone tell me you should learn a second language when you’re vacationing for a few days.
WOW, kill him, kill myself, kill Chic-Fil-A.
I think he tried to get a laugh by talking about all the problems in Russia. Homeboy, you are talking to the wrong person if you want to bash on Russia for the Olympics. I have a lot to say about it, but this article pretty much sums it up: http://www.policymic.com/articles/81663/sochiproblems-is-more-of-an-embarrassment-for-america-than-it-is-for-russia


I need everyone to know this: It's so much worse than it sounds.  It's like living through a natural disaster. But I loved it all.
Thank you, heavens above for mountains, peanut butter M&Ms and terrible dates. You get me through Wednesdays.



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